Day 11: Good Company

Quarantine Diary:

6AM. No need for an alarm clock. Taking long deep breaths I’m enjoying my yoga practice this morning. The body is appreciating the attention, however long or short the practice may be. Tree pose and warrior pose are particularly rewarding today, connecting sky and earth.

Wondering what thoughts will surface to write about today (besides the usual daily activities); mind settles on “good company.” And right now that would be, well, mostly me hanging out with myself, and the monkey mind at times. And the occasional online calls with friends. Yey! Today Karen and I catch up for a little; Kaya comes by for a visit (down below), and there are texts, comments, emails back and forth with others thanks to our tech tools and Apps. Thank you for being in my life ye all! xox

In general, I count myself lucky that I like my own company, which wasn’t always the case. And it is a true blessing in this particular circumstance, as well as the result of lifelong learning and letting go – including plenty of therapy, inner work, meditation retreats, inquiry, absorbing the teachings of spiritual traditions and teachers. Plenty of searching. Just to let it all go and arrive where I’ve always been – HERE NOW, experiencing what there is to experience, surrendered, or not.

Covid and the lockdown triggered struggle in this mind – disagreement, anger, impatience, grief, pain, accompanied by disliking the one experiencing this. Who is she? What happened to happy-go-lucky-Surati? I want her back! I experienced deep upset triggered by fearful talk, signs and restrictions everywhere, and increased through a new housemate who showed a rather paranoid and passive aggressive face. I wasn’t feeling safe in my own home anymore. Thankfully, he moved out. But the feeling of alienation within remained. So I followed the inner voice (you know – that one) clearly-loudly-repeatedly asking to go on a road trip. And something magical happened when I did: alienation/loneliness had me, I fully surrendered… and the experience was gone. The moment it wholeheartedly said yes, okay, let’s do it, let’s really-really-really be lonely and alienated from the human race all the way, no holding back, complete misery… there was no loneliness or alienation to be found. Gone. Magic!

“What you resist persists.” Indeed. And holds true for resisting resistance as well.  Wanting things to go away just doesn’t seem to work. The temper tantrum, the victim identity, the separation from other, the grasping, fearing, confusion… not a world I usually dwell in for extended periods. Yet, through the grace of Covid and H. some bits and bobs of “dark matter” surfaced to be released. A simple, wholehearted YES turns everything around… and one can’t force it. The uninvited squatter = pain body left the premises. Mind blown open; okay-ness with whatever, whoever. Solitude is a melody, a tune, a flow. Peaceful. Connected.

I experience suffering/misery as slamming the door on the flow of life and then standing in front of this door pleading for it to open; banging on it, getting ones knickers in a knot, asking others to open it, peeking through the keyhole (which just intensifies longing)… and so on… fill in the blanks. But the door is only imagined!! The flow of Life never stopped… LOL!

What also shifted was the thinking from “I can’t” (pandemics come with countless “cannots”) to “I can” – Thomas the Tank Engine comes to mind… I-think-I-can-I-think-I-can… (Canadian Children’s book). In part that’s how I got here, into this hotel room, saying “yes” and “I think I can” and leaving the rest up to life. May it serve as an inspiration to whoever needs to hear this and lift you up. Now I shall apply the same to learning some basic Mandarin Chinese! Following a Youtube course (HarbinMandarin.com) to start me off.

你好我叫sura替我来自加拿大我是学生
Nǐ hǎo. wǒ jiào suratì. wǒ láizì jiānádà. wǒ shì xuéshēng.
很高兴认识你
Hěn gāoxìng rènshí nǐ.

Hello. My name is Surati. I’m from Canada. I’m a student.
Nice to meet you.

Well, hmm, this will need some practice… 🙂

Zàijiàn 再见 Good-bye. 

Zhídào xià yīcì 直到下一次  Until next time.